Amphetamine

selling out.

2003-04-02T23:50:06Z

I have decided to unmask my third and final livejournal. If you still wanna read what I have to say add holeinmysock to your friends list and I will more so than likely add you back. This ones better than all the rest combined. get ready for a treat!!!!

cough cough sputter choke.....

2003-02-03T05:10:31Z

I've decided that I don't like sleeping very much, it seems like a good way to waste time, but it's no good.....

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

2003-01-30T00:24:14Z

I got uptoday with the idea I was going to Jerry Springer. I called hachey around 10:30 to make sure he left the house and such, well he didn't. My phone call woke him up actully. Immediately the shouts of "get up, get the fuck out of bed you bum" could be heard throughout the house. He got here around 12:15 we had to be there around 1:00 to get in. We got there at about 1:15 and the lady at the door told us she wasn't admitting anyone else. We could have gotten VIP tickets but the guy who got hachey the tickets was nowhere to be found. Alas, I missed my big tv debut. Hachey will suffer greatly for this, let me tell you.
We went to Water Tower and played around in sharper image for a little bit, got my mom her brthday gift and got on the bus home. I took a bath when I got home and I was a bit better, not much though. damn, i wanted t cause a scene and be stupid just for the hell of it. maybe some other day.....

The Land of the Lost.

2003-01-29T02:35:50Z

When I lived in my old house, we had this enclosed back porch. The back porch was literally the land of the lost. Every toy we had ever owned was just stacked out there. It was a graveyard of barbie doll parts, toy cars, dominos, thousands upon thousands of blocks and legos, dried up play doh, dress up clothes, and books. I had a desk that was covered in crayons, markers, dried up pens, paints, notebooks that had been doodled in, and all sorts of arts and craft supplies. When I was in grammar school I would sit out there hours and build houses out of blocks or draw pictures to hang on my walls. Nothing fazed me when I was out there, nothing mattered. It was just me and my imagination. When I grew up everything out there was forgotten, we threw away al the broken toys and such. I could never bring myself to throw books away so they were passed on to little cousins or my mom's friends who had kids. Now I have my room, I used to be able to sit n there for hours and read ordraw or just think. My imagination has slowly drifted away from me and it's not so easy, I pick up a book and realize that I have read it a dozen times before. I have no desire to draw pictures because I can't quite imagine that far off land I knew when I was a child.

here comes a really lame rant......

2003-01-27T11:02:05Z

i hate hate hate hate people who have cell phones, but never ever pick them up. I can see not picking them up every once and a while if you don't want to be bothered, but god dammit, pick it up when you're not doing anything or throw it in the trash. My mom never ever picks up her cell phone and then yells at me for not saying when i am going out, or people tell me to call their cell phones and then don't pick up. Everyone has one so I am not aiming this twards anyone in particular, but come one now people, get with the program. this is why i despise cell phones or phones in general for that matter, because they make people so lazy, and yes i am a big hypocrite and i want a cell phone, but i swear to god i would pick it up or mute it or hammer it or whatever... just make use of it.

oh and you know what else i don't like very much, calling people when they aren't home...

zwan.

2003-01-24T04:20:30Z

yeah, you know they rock your fucking socks. you'd be suprised at the irony you find in situations......

a lyric, a crime, a crusade, a line, one minute, a friend, a road without end....

on a tangent.

2003-01-19T09:56:30Z

that say that everything you do, every miniscule decision you make, will effect you for the rest of your life. when i stop and think about that it scares me. I have been living for 18 years and i have already done so much and have seen so much, it makes me wonder how it will effect me in the future.

the inner, the outter, and the we don't remembers.

2003-01-17T02:30:49Z

Back in the Day

Mando and I started a very interesting task today. We decided to figure out how our circle of friends came to be, we though about who were the core members of the circle, who joined us, who left and why, who dated who, when we all met, precise moments of happiness and saddness that effected us all.... we sat there for a good two hours and were only able to get to sophmore year. it'sa daunting task, but i think it was fun, our afternoon was filled with, "do you remember this one time" or "oh my goodness I almost forgot about that". it was very entertaining, we are thinking about making some kind of family type tree to represent everyone, and then making it into a poster. If anyone can remember when they first met me or mando or anyone for that matter comment back and tell me. Stories that really stick out in your mind that involve a majority of us would be awsome too.

a soul is a soul and a shell is a shell.

2003-01-15T02:06:03Z

I hate when everything goes quiet. Like when a cd ends or something. It messes with my head, because I was sitting there listening to the music and then suddenly it's not there anymore, nothing left to dance to. My goal is to make a never ending cd. It will happen one day I tells you.

Anyways, for everyone who is curious about my new obcession with the term sugar hippo ... It'sthe journal that Molly gave me for Christmas. I didn't like writing in it at first because it seemed so odd. I have never been real big into paper journals, they seem like a waste of time to me. For some reason Sugar Hippo seems to be making me feel better about stuff though. I'll write stuff down and cme back ater and readit, then i'll be able to figure out ways to make things better. It's weird to be writing to myself, I am thinking about giving it to someone when i finish it, that'll be like a year from now I wonder who I will know a year from now and who I won't. That's a very good question to ponder.

sugar hippo

2003-01-14T04:18:22Z

oh Sugar Hippo.... I love you so.....

crapola.

2003-01-14T01:15:25Z

Dear Sugar Hippo,
Do you see, there still may be a light at the end of the tunnel. 7 Ciggies left, I hope that can last me through coffee. Faries have to exist. It's the only way I can see real magik happening. I am tird, write, rewrite, rethink, reinvent, I'm spent, I can't write, not tonight, not like this, I want to get real pist, fuck shit up, paint the town red, go to bed, never wake up, make up, fake slut, cry now, bye now, save me, grave feats, make a fucking scene, be mean, paint the town green, become some cracked out fiend, fall in love, punk out, fall out, find out, stop!

you may believe me, but if you're smart you'll discover that it's all a joke.

addictions.

2003-01-11T08:13:59Z

one more hit, one more puff, one more shot, one more scream, one more scene, one more cup, one more lie, one more dream, one more joke, one more laugh, one more fuck, one more bite, one more desprate attempt to rescue you.... too late.

I've become obcessed with addictions, I think I have too many... coffee, cigarettes, sleeping, the internet...

Everyone has an addiction, what's yours??

a lumplings story....

2003-01-10T21:23:48Z

i feel like i am walking down the street and i see something at the end of the block but i never get any closer. like the hallway with infinate doors. it'sfridy and I am not doing anything,I miss everyone, i only went out once this week. I feel bummy and lonely.

snippet, clippet.

2003-01-09T00:25:47Z

My hair rocks so very hard. I am pleased. I applied at this little sandwhich shop in wicker park today the guy who took my application was really nice. I hope they hire me, that would be great, it's small and the people who worked there seemed like good kids. I called congress today, just for molly, they aren't hiring anymore, the lady on the phone was a bitch. I moved my bed last night, I couldn't sleep and James was talking about how he rearranged his room, I thought it might be fun. It wasn't, I got all sweaty and almost broke a bunch of shit in the process, but I felt a sense of accomplishment. go me! Two more days of serious hard core job hunting to go, I have faith in myself. Now it is time to clean the house, oh joy.

I got crumbs on the keyboard.

2003-01-08T05:34:10Z

It's fun to live another life, even if it is only for a few days. You're someone else. It was fun stuff, but it sucked when I went back to reality. Someone once told me that he passed out and that for the ten seconds after we woke up he couldn't remember anything. The people around him said he had the biggest smile on his face and that he seemed truely blissful. I know where he was coming from.

****my fotrune coookie from dinner: "Friends long absent are coming back to you"

Mu330 is Saturday, yippie skippy!

the perks of being a pullout

2003-01-06T22:38:59Z

job hunting tommarow, if i get a job this week I am going to stay for as log as possible in Chicago. I realized that there are too many people here that I can't live my life without. There are too many things I would miss. I don't even know, new years hit me hard, I didn't cry, but whatever.

***I'm a pullout, Sorry my lovely, I didn't mean for it to end like this, maybe things will change, maybe my path will lead me far from Chicago. I look forward to the day we shall be able to sit together again and share our secrets. I love you.

there is nothing left to say but....

2003-01-02T11:12:30Z

I am happy. Not for any particular reason, I am just happy.

Pick it up, Pick it up....

2002-12-31T21:48:02Z

My emotions are like %500 magnified right now. I've beed listenng to the Drive Like June cd mark gave me last night. It's growing on me every time I hear it. I like it a lot. I just got up and I am so not ready for tonight yet. Everything is making me happy, but at the same time amazingly sad. I have this feeling this is going to be one of the best nights I've ever had in my life. I am not going into it with expectations, but my heart is fluttering in my chest and not in the dread sort of way, but as if I am in love, like the world has some how morphed in a better place. I watched Pumpkin last night, if any of you get a chance watch it, no movie has made me cry like that in forever. It changed my view on a lot of things that have been going on with me and with the whole james and allie situation. You can't help who you love, no matter who they are, it just happens. I wish he was coming so I could say I was sorry and just be able to hug and and have everything be alright before I leave. He is one of the people I will miss the most, its not about anything anymore but the friendships I have. I want to be able to comeback and see people and have us talk and just remember why I wanted them to be someone I know. The tears are coming, it feels like this great weight has been lifted from me and I can breath again. I am ready for whatever is to be thrown my way.

*HAPPY NEW YEARS*

random thoughts i've had during the day thus far....

2002-12-30T23:21:11Z

*Becky says she is going to become famous and trick Orlando Bloom into going out on a date with me. all I need is five minutes to woo him....

*I hope the weather is this nice tommarow because then we can all go outside and that would be good stuff.

*I am going to cry tommarow, no qustion about it, not out of anger or upsettness, but just knowing this is the last time I'll see everyone together ever again.

*The house is so empty, becky is gone and mom and gary went shopping, I had to put music on because it was kind of creeping me out.

*I wish I was spending more time with mando and molly, individually as well as together.

*I am liking the book I got for christmas more and more.

*I only have eight maybe nine days left.

*my new favorite song is somewhere down on fullerton

god dammit!

2002-12-30T12:53:54Z

I just found out where I am going to be living is like twenty minutes away from Lindsey... driving. They don't have public transportation in Tucson. So I am going to be stranded in Bumblefuck, U.S.A. with no friends and no money until I get a license. Why is the world not fair to me?! Can't one little thing work out for me, just one. That is all I ask.

hand on hand combat.

2002-12-29T22:32:35Z

When you are holding hands with someone, when do you decide to let go. When your hand becomes sweaty, when their grip feels like it is slipping from yours, when they tighten their grip and it hurts, when something in front of you is in the way, when you want to touch another part of their body, when it's time to go, when you want to pull something out of your pocket. If you could keep holding someone's hand as long as you wanted, would you? Would you be afraid of making them uncomfortable? What about deciding when you are going to kiss someone. Do you wait for them to come to you, or do you go for it? Do you get nervous and start debating with yourself? Do you stare at their lips or at your shoes? Do you decide how long the kiss is going to be before you do it? After you hold someone and or kiss them do you think about how it went afterwards? Does the idea of being affectionate with someone new make you nervous?

why can't we live in the moment? why can't a kiss just be a kiss or holding someone's hand be normal, why does all of this have to be a big deal. I think that we make it a big deal and if we didn't analize every look, kiss, hug, and smile we would be a lot happier in our relationships with people.

Deep Deep Down....

2002-12-29T08:02:34Z

It seems like enjoying the last of my time in Chicago isn't going to be as easy as I thought. It makes me want to leave even quicker than I am. I feel like I have already been shoved out the door. I am thinking about canceling new years. Just sitting at home and being dramatic. Fuck it, if I am such a child than I'll act like a child.

the best advice I can give...

2002-12-28T20:23:38Z

whatever you do, never ever do anything as stupid as me.

I found you in the want ads.

2002-12-26T08:39:15Z

I need you, someone to run to, someone to run away with, someone to laugh with, someone to cry with, someone who can see things through my eyes, someone who will listen and talk, someone who will go on my crazy adventures with me, someone who will not judge, someone who I can think about and smile, someone who embraces me, with all my faults and quirks, someone who doesn't expect anything of me but the truth, someone I can share the world with, Someone I can love. Someone who doesn't exist.

my christmas story.

2002-12-25T20:43:57Z

I was up till 8:00 reading harry potter, the third one. I fell asleep and was woken up around 9:45 to my moom and gary dancing around the living room. I went and opened my stuff. I got my down comforter and so i took all my stuff under my ams, marched back into my room pulled the comforter out of the bag and proceeded to go back to bed till 1:30. hey, I kinda like christmas suddenly.